My godmother was visiting me in my little tropical paradise... playing cards with my kids while I worked my usual 80 hours a week in my beautiful ocean front office.
She came into my little office, my little fish bowl of an office where I work day and night where I live my life or pretend to be living while everyone watches me and where I have to jump up and down every time a client talks to me.
It's not much of a life.
In the words of him, you don't have a life, outside of your kids and your work you have nothing. And with this recognition I let him in, I let him in because I wanted a life. I wanted a life outside of work, outside of the kids. I made space for him in my life, I made a small life outside of work and kids, but he didn't want to be in my life, he didn't want to fill up the space. Instead I filled a small section of my life, a small piece of my life that didn't belong to work or my children and I filled it with tears.
My godmother came to visit just after it was over, over again, over for good. She asked me if I would be interested in a guy she knew in LA. I had to say no, I wasn't interested. She said she didn't want me to be alone, that I should have someone in my life. Then she looked at me sideways."Has there been someone down here?"
"Yes." I responded.
"I'm glad you haven't been alone."
And in that moment I felt more alone than I have ever felt, in that moment I realized how very alone I was. Looking at her I knew she loved me and that I could tell her everything that had happened, and I also knew I wouldn't because it was better that she thought I had someone, it would be better that she didn't know how little I had settled for and how alone I really was.
No comments:
Post a Comment