Letters I can never send

This week I wanted to write two letters, and for reasons that will soon become obvious I couldn't write either.  Yet the things I wanted to say keep bouncing around in my head so here they are, letters that will never be sent.

1.

Dear Auntie,

I can't believe you are going for chemo for the fourth time.  Dear god, how do you stand it?  I mean really? You've always been an active person and here they are filling you with poison again, destroying your energy again. I know you must want to quit sometimes and I think maybe you should.  This is going to sound callous, but I've come to think that cancer is a gift.  As you throw your guts up and lose your hair yet again I'm sure you wont agree but I think it is.

I used to think the best way to die would be suddenly with no pain at all just not wake up one morning, a massive heart attack or stroke in the night.  You know the way grandad did it, although I always felt sorry for Nana having to wake up next to a corpse.  Now that I'm a little older I think I was wrong.  There is something to be said for knowing that your time is coming, knowing that your days are numbered, knowing that you are mortal, and that you will not live forever.

I am not wishing that this round of chemo doesn't work, I'm not saying I want you to die. But I think there is something good about knowing that your time is limited. I think we are all dying but cancer gives us the gift of time to live. Time to tell people how we feel about them, time to settle our grievances, time to say goodbye and time to love.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be easier perhaps to be hit by a bus but cancer also gives those we love time to prepare, time to grieve, time to love.  And now that I'm older I think Nana would have prefered Grandad to die slowly and painfully with time to say goodbye than to have him taken from her without warning.

And so Auntie, I love you and I'm sorry for your suffering but I'd like to take this chance to say I love you, and goodbye.

TO My friend who moved away.

Hey, I hope you're doing well. I know you don't need any more bad news. I know you've been screwed by your ex and abandoned by your children but I heard something and I don't know how to deal with the information.  Your son, your 19 year old baby is now a drug dealer. You told me he was working with his father, and you were right.  He is working with his father.  Your ex is a dealer.  Is this news to you? I don't know if it is or not. I think it is, I think you had your head in the sand. Or maybe you knew, maybe you've always known.  Maybe this is why you weren't living together. Maybe you knew this is how he was paying your bills.  Actually I know nothing.  Maybe you are a druggie too and just happy to have a supplier for a husband.  Maybe you knew this was the family business your son was getting into.

Maybe you are ok with all this and I am just the naive idiot.