My godmother was visiting me in my little tropical paradise... playing cards with my kids while I worked my usual 80 hours a week in my beautiful ocean front office.
She came into my little office, my little fish bowl of an office where I work day and night where I live my life or pretend to be living while everyone watches me and where I have to jump up and down every time a client talks to me.
It's not much of a life.
In the words of him, you don't have a life, outside of your kids and your work you have nothing. And with this recognition I let him in, I let him in because I wanted a life. I wanted a life outside of work, outside of the kids. I made space for him in my life, I made a small life outside of work and kids, but he didn't want to be in my life, he didn't want to fill up the space. Instead I filled a small section of my life, a small piece of my life that didn't belong to work or my children and I filled it with tears.
My godmother came to visit just after it was over, over again, over for good. She asked me if I would be interested in a guy she knew in LA. I had to say no, I wasn't interested. She said she didn't want me to be alone, that I should have someone in my life. Then she looked at me sideways."Has there been someone down here?"
"Yes." I responded.
"I'm glad you haven't been alone."
And in that moment I felt more alone than I have ever felt, in that moment I realized how very alone I was. Looking at her I knew she loved me and that I could tell her everything that had happened, and I also knew I wouldn't because it was better that she thought I had someone, it would be better that she didn't know how little I had settled for and how alone I really was.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Sunset
Most people watch the sun set then get up and leave. These people miss the beauty the follows the sunset when the light of the sun is gone but the glow from it's passage fills the entire sky in a prism of colors finally fading to orange and red while the sea answers by reflecting the coming night in shades of indigo and violet.
Life is also like this. Children yearn to be grown up, want to celebrate every birthday, every advance towards adulthood but then don't realize the beauty of being an adult comes much much later. Not at 18, not then, not even at 21 it's not about hitting a defining moment it's about letting that moment pass and seeing what unexpected consequences it brings.
I see a lot of children around me who doubt the wisdom of time, who contemplate never seeing adulthood because they are not enjoying the passing of the daylight. They don't see how quickly it is passing or how much beauty lies ahead, they only feel the pressure and the pain of the moment. The stress from school, the conflict with family, the lack of true friends and in the moments of their pain they forget they are waiting for the sunset, waiting for the light to fade and the night to embrace them and comfort them.
My daughter went to a school event and ended up in the middle of a conversation about suicide attempts. This is one of the reasons my daughter no long goes to school, not because she's ever expressed a desire to die but simply because the stress from school was making her life nothing but a nightmare. The kids she left behind in class are rapidly failing, the smartass boy who now cuts himself just to feel, the transfer kid who made friends and was popular who now talks of death or doesn't talk he writes poetry and cries, the queen bee who has eaten herself up three sizes and lives for the next party and oblivion, the jock who hurts himself and almost drove his bike off a cliff rather than face another day at school.
It's not that being a teenager is not hard enough, I know it is, I've been there. But 80 plus percent of the class should not be looking to die before they live. We need to nurture our children and guide them, we need to take the pressure to succeed away. They need to know that there is life after math class, that whether they pass or they fail life continues regardless. I've had too many friends die unwilling to wait for the beauty and wonder that lies ahead after all light seems to have been lost. Life does not end when the sun goes down for tomorrow is another day and we must be ready to enjoy the dawn.
Life is also like this. Children yearn to be grown up, want to celebrate every birthday, every advance towards adulthood but then don't realize the beauty of being an adult comes much much later. Not at 18, not then, not even at 21 it's not about hitting a defining moment it's about letting that moment pass and seeing what unexpected consequences it brings.
I see a lot of children around me who doubt the wisdom of time, who contemplate never seeing adulthood because they are not enjoying the passing of the daylight. They don't see how quickly it is passing or how much beauty lies ahead, they only feel the pressure and the pain of the moment. The stress from school, the conflict with family, the lack of true friends and in the moments of their pain they forget they are waiting for the sunset, waiting for the light to fade and the night to embrace them and comfort them.
My daughter went to a school event and ended up in the middle of a conversation about suicide attempts. This is one of the reasons my daughter no long goes to school, not because she's ever expressed a desire to die but simply because the stress from school was making her life nothing but a nightmare. The kids she left behind in class are rapidly failing, the smartass boy who now cuts himself just to feel, the transfer kid who made friends and was popular who now talks of death or doesn't talk he writes poetry and cries, the queen bee who has eaten herself up three sizes and lives for the next party and oblivion, the jock who hurts himself and almost drove his bike off a cliff rather than face another day at school.
It's not that being a teenager is not hard enough, I know it is, I've been there. But 80 plus percent of the class should not be looking to die before they live. We need to nurture our children and guide them, we need to take the pressure to succeed away. They need to know that there is life after math class, that whether they pass or they fail life continues regardless. I've had too many friends die unwilling to wait for the beauty and wonder that lies ahead after all light seems to have been lost. Life does not end when the sun goes down for tomorrow is another day and we must be ready to enjoy the dawn.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Good news
All you write is sad crap, why would anyone want to read it?
It was a genuine enough question and I had to ask myself why I bother at all. I know mostly I write these things for myself and sometimes that is enough. Sometimes it isn't, sometimes I yearn for approval, acceptance, fame, recognition. And why don't you write something happy? Also a genuine enough question and one I don't often have an answer to. I find my life in general more dramatic than happy, more stressed than serene. I often find myself lacking in good news. And perhaps I don't find the good news interesting.
But here goes:
I have some good news.
My house is getting fixed. I started painting today, we'll move back in in a few weeks. The insurance company finally paid up enough to get it up and going again and I am so damn happy to be moving home again after 8 months.
Also my youngest is coming home after 4 weeks with daddy and she didn't want to stay there. She's missed me and wants to come home. I miss her so damn much and I was dreading she wouldn't want to come back.
And we got a puppy, and it is a small ball of joy and I find myself smiling every time I see her.
Also the tumor was removed cleanly from my mom, it was cancer and enormous but there is a 50% chance it won't regrow and she will be fine. Also she seems happier than in recent years, and seems to be cherishing her life more.
In addition I finally found the courage today to take control of my business. My manager is looking for a new job and will stay on only part time until she gets one. So it's time for me to take over the reins of my business for the first time since I bought it 8 years ago.
So all is good things are going well, no disasters to report... but I'll probably find something to whine about anyway.
It was a genuine enough question and I had to ask myself why I bother at all. I know mostly I write these things for myself and sometimes that is enough. Sometimes it isn't, sometimes I yearn for approval, acceptance, fame, recognition. And why don't you write something happy? Also a genuine enough question and one I don't often have an answer to. I find my life in general more dramatic than happy, more stressed than serene. I often find myself lacking in good news. And perhaps I don't find the good news interesting.
But here goes:
I have some good news.
My house is getting fixed. I started painting today, we'll move back in in a few weeks. The insurance company finally paid up enough to get it up and going again and I am so damn happy to be moving home again after 8 months.
Also my youngest is coming home after 4 weeks with daddy and she didn't want to stay there. She's missed me and wants to come home. I miss her so damn much and I was dreading she wouldn't want to come back.
And we got a puppy, and it is a small ball of joy and I find myself smiling every time I see her.
Also the tumor was removed cleanly from my mom, it was cancer and enormous but there is a 50% chance it won't regrow and she will be fine. Also she seems happier than in recent years, and seems to be cherishing her life more.
In addition I finally found the courage today to take control of my business. My manager is looking for a new job and will stay on only part time until she gets one. So it's time for me to take over the reins of my business for the first time since I bought it 8 years ago.
So all is good things are going well, no disasters to report... but I'll probably find something to whine about anyway.
Letters I can never send
This week I wanted to write two letters, and for reasons that will soon become obvious I couldn't write either. Yet the things I wanted to say keep bouncing around in my head so here they are, letters that will never be sent.
1.
Dear Auntie,
I can't believe you are going for chemo for the fourth time. Dear god, how do you stand it? I mean really? You've always been an active person and here they are filling you with poison again, destroying your energy again. I know you must want to quit sometimes and I think maybe you should. This is going to sound callous, but I've come to think that cancer is a gift. As you throw your guts up and lose your hair yet again I'm sure you wont agree but I think it is.
I used to think the best way to die would be suddenly with no pain at all just not wake up one morning, a massive heart attack or stroke in the night. You know the way grandad did it, although I always felt sorry for Nana having to wake up next to a corpse. Now that I'm a little older I think I was wrong. There is something to be said for knowing that your time is coming, knowing that your days are numbered, knowing that you are mortal, and that you will not live forever.
I am not wishing that this round of chemo doesn't work, I'm not saying I want you to die. But I think there is something good about knowing that your time is limited. I think we are all dying but cancer gives us the gift of time to live. Time to tell people how we feel about them, time to settle our grievances, time to say goodbye and time to love.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be easier perhaps to be hit by a bus but cancer also gives those we love time to prepare, time to grieve, time to love. And now that I'm older I think Nana would have prefered Grandad to die slowly and painfully with time to say goodbye than to have him taken from her without warning.
And so Auntie, I love you and I'm sorry for your suffering but I'd like to take this chance to say I love you, and goodbye.
TO My friend who moved away.
Hey, I hope you're doing well. I know you don't need any more bad news. I know you've been screwed by your ex and abandoned by your children but I heard something and I don't know how to deal with the information. Your son, your 19 year old baby is now a drug dealer. You told me he was working with his father, and you were right. He is working with his father. Your ex is a dealer. Is this news to you? I don't know if it is or not. I think it is, I think you had your head in the sand. Or maybe you knew, maybe you've always known. Maybe this is why you weren't living together. Maybe you knew this is how he was paying your bills. Actually I know nothing. Maybe you are a druggie too and just happy to have a supplier for a husband. Maybe you knew this was the family business your son was getting into.
Maybe you are ok with all this and I am just the naive idiot.
1.
Dear Auntie,
I can't believe you are going for chemo for the fourth time. Dear god, how do you stand it? I mean really? You've always been an active person and here they are filling you with poison again, destroying your energy again. I know you must want to quit sometimes and I think maybe you should. This is going to sound callous, but I've come to think that cancer is a gift. As you throw your guts up and lose your hair yet again I'm sure you wont agree but I think it is.
I used to think the best way to die would be suddenly with no pain at all just not wake up one morning, a massive heart attack or stroke in the night. You know the way grandad did it, although I always felt sorry for Nana having to wake up next to a corpse. Now that I'm a little older I think I was wrong. There is something to be said for knowing that your time is coming, knowing that your days are numbered, knowing that you are mortal, and that you will not live forever.
I am not wishing that this round of chemo doesn't work, I'm not saying I want you to die. But I think there is something good about knowing that your time is limited. I think we are all dying but cancer gives us the gift of time to live. Time to tell people how we feel about them, time to settle our grievances, time to say goodbye and time to love.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be easier perhaps to be hit by a bus but cancer also gives those we love time to prepare, time to grieve, time to love. And now that I'm older I think Nana would have prefered Grandad to die slowly and painfully with time to say goodbye than to have him taken from her without warning.
And so Auntie, I love you and I'm sorry for your suffering but I'd like to take this chance to say I love you, and goodbye.
TO My friend who moved away.
Hey, I hope you're doing well. I know you don't need any more bad news. I know you've been screwed by your ex and abandoned by your children but I heard something and I don't know how to deal with the information. Your son, your 19 year old baby is now a drug dealer. You told me he was working with his father, and you were right. He is working with his father. Your ex is a dealer. Is this news to you? I don't know if it is or not. I think it is, I think you had your head in the sand. Or maybe you knew, maybe you've always known. Maybe this is why you weren't living together. Maybe you knew this is how he was paying your bills. Actually I know nothing. Maybe you are a druggie too and just happy to have a supplier for a husband. Maybe you knew this was the family business your son was getting into.
Maybe you are ok with all this and I am just the naive idiot.
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