Wishing for Old Faithful

I was in the restroom at the Old Faithful Inn, the only hotel I have ever wanted to stay in,in my life.  It is a beautiful building, the inside looks like it is made with driftwood, four stories of mezzanines looking down onto a huge stone fireplace in the lobby.  I wanted to move in there, spend winter nights curled up near the fire with a book, summer days out on the patio overlooking Old Faithful.

 I washed my hands quickly and waited for my girls to be done.  The youngest would have to be held up of course to get her hands washed, the oldest wouldn't need me at all but waiting for them was something I always do. An elderly woman was behind me.  She was unsteady on her feet and I knew that outside the middle aged woman standing with the wheelchair was probably waiting for her. “I’m from Texas” the conversation began, tourists on vacation always ready to chat to a stranger.  “Have you been here before” “Oh yes indeed” The elderly woman replied “This is my third time.  I was here for my honeymoon you know and now we’re celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary.”

I looked over to my sister-in-law (at least until the divorce is through) and travelling companion.  She was waiting for her own daughters.  And in her eyes I saw what was happening in my own.  Tears were welling up and she grabbed a paper towel and ran for the door. Taking one look back at the happy old woman I did the same.  My baby would have to wash her hands on her own. Because the truth is I wanted to come back to this hotel one day, but not alone and in my sister in law's face I saw the truth. Single motherhood has become the only thing we know.  Being alone seems to be the only way we know how to live.  Fitting a man into our lives would only cut down on the time our children – products of abandonment – need so badly.  Going out on a date seems are far removed from my sphere of possibilities as winning the lotto or moving to Mars.  I can’t see any way I can have a relationship until my children are grown. 

I dried my eyes and went back into the bathroom as the old lady was helped into her wheelchair by her family.  Katherine was bouncing up and down trying to keep the motion detector to run the water so she could get the soap off her hands.  I turned it on for her and she washed her hands then shot her arms around me for a quick wet, hand drying hug. I was on my way over the Rockies when I thought my car was breaking.  My father had told me about this hill but I’d filed it and forgotten it.  It looked like I was heading downhill but the engine was slowing down and I was going to stall.  Then I remembered what he had said.  In the Rockies there is a hill, it’s an optical illusion, you think you are going downhill but you are really going uphill.  So I dropped into a lower gear and the car started to climb up the hill.  And sometimes life is like that.  You think you’re doing fine, that you’re coasting downhill when suddenly you realize you’re not.  You need to switch gear and keep going no matter how hard it is.  And sometimes you need to remind yourself that although this was not how you imagined it would be, that this is not the life you thought you would lead or anything that you planned out so carefully that perhaps this is the path you are meant to be on.