How I want to Live

That point had been reached.  Where all forms of entertainment were exhausted and I could no long fill every minute with some mind numbing device.  No more email, web surfing, computer solitaire or eating would be able to fill the remaining minutes.  Staring at the computer I realized there was still another hour left in the work day.
 
Another hour.
 

It seemed like such a long time to kill when I was at work with nothing to do.  At home it was nothing, a short time to get things done before I had to run off to somewhere else to do something else.
 
My life was filled with running around here and there.  Perhaps that was the secret, was all the running really necessary or was it just a way to fill the endless hours, minutes of an empty life.  An excuse not to do the things I said I wanted to do, an excuse not to write, an excuse not to find love, an excuse not to live.  So long as every minute is full there is no need to live.
 
I know how I want to live.  I want to live like I drive.   I wanted to live safely, cognizant of, but silently disobedient of the rules.  I want to speed along but never be afraid to stop for the sites on the route.  I want to be able to find my own way without guidance and not be afraid to ask for directions if the road runs out.  I want to be able to do a U-turn with grace returning back to where I started without making any forward progress without regret – to be able to appreciate the things I learned on the unscheduled detour.  I want to be in control, of my life, my destiny and to help those who travel with me find their own destination.
 
I want to push myself to the limit, to sometimes scare myself just a little, to feel my heart race and acknowledge my own mortality and enjoy it.  I want to arrive safely, and to know where my destination is.  I want to be able to just stop sometimes and rest without worrying that the world is racing on without me.
 
I want to live like no-one is watching, to sing at the top of my lungs like I only do when driving.   I want to live without thinking about how I am living because I am too busy doing to be worried about how I am doing it.
 
I want to be confident enough in my own ability that I have the freedom to make mistakes, park in the wrong place, or drive the wrong way down a one way road.  I want to know that no matter what happens I can cope with it.  And I want someone telling me if there’s a speed trap up ahead.
 
I wish to be patient and considerate of the other people in my path, but aggressive enough to get ahead of them when I can, or when I need to .  I don't want to be the cause of other's pain or misfortune and fortunate enough if I am the one broken down on the roadside that someone will stop.  I don't want to run a tow-truck or rescue service but I want to help those I can, and those who want my help.
 
I want to get to the end of my journey glad that I came happy with the time it took to arrive.